He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
