A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
