just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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