Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize