i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
