good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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