Your face is a jimmy john
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
