you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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