none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
