My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
