Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
