I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
