Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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