God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
