omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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