She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
