I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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