New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
