i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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