I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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