Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
