There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She told me I should be a condom model.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
