also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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