Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
