I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
