So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
