And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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