Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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