my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
