in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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