i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
