I'm sorry my penis didn't work
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
