I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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