I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's blow job season.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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