You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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