those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
