Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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