the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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