i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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