he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
