I like my sex mixed with concussions.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
