You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
