smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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