I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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