my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
