If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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