Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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