I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
