Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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