haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
