Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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