So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
