I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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