Someone shit on the floor
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
