I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize