I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
