My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
