i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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