Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
