Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
