No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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