i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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