Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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