Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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