new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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