I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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