We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
