there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
